Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A: They've both been laid all over America.
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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.
He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off.
The bartender agrees.
The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis.
The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Austr alian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also".
There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle".
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.
Q: What is a French cat's favorite dessert?
A: Chocolate mousse.
Teacher: Shamu, go to the map and find North America.
Shamu: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, Ramu, who discovered America?
Ramu: Shamu!
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.
The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.
At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means to lay down a base of fire!).
The Marines promptly laid down a base of the fire.
The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.
The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"
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Q. To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A. Grade 4.
Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
So God is getting a bit bored in heaven, and he asks his archangel Michael, "Michael, I need to get away from it all for a bit. Where should I go to clear my head?"
Michael replies, "Well, you could always go to Pluto. You could go create a mountain and ski, have a bit of fun."
God says, "No, I don't think so. I don't do so well with the cold, and frostbite was definitely not one of my better creations."
The archangels says, "Alright, well you could always try Mercury. It's nice and warm, you could just take a bit of time to relax, get a nice tan."
"Michael," God says, "do you see how white I am? I would burn to a crisp."
Michael replies, "Alright, well then why don't you go to Earth?"
"Fuck that," God says, "last time I went there I got some girl pregnant and I never heard the end of it."