A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
Wanna go on an 'ate' with me? I'll give you the 'D' later.
Funny Lists: Eight ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"
1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. You've got Windows in your laptop.
3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
4. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave.
7. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
8. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Young kids use a dating app on their phones.
Older kids use a dating website on their computers.
Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.
Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.
Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.
Imagine that ur in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you.
What do you do?
U stop imagining...
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.
I really thought you already knew it.
A guy tells his friends:
The girl I was dating broke my heart, so I broke her Apple iPhone 5. You all know who cried more
Vote:
It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.
They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.
Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound.
The film began but the silence continued.
Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"
Vote:
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath?
I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, honey."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."