Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..
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One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word:
"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!"
A: How do children in Baghdad do?
A: Bombastically.
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
How long does it take a Mexican to build a, holy shit they're done!
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water.
Are you scared of water?
Well you should be.
400,000 people drown per year.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!
Q: Who hangs out with musicians but isn't a musician?
A: Drummers.
What are the three rules for being a plumber?
1. Hot water is always on the left.
2. Shit doesn't flow uphill
3. Never chew your fingernails.
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And poof, he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.