Why did God give women belly buttons? For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'" The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God…'"
One day a group of engineers got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one engineer to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The engineer walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened patiently to the man and after the engineer was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest." The man replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The engineers said, "Sure, no problem." He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"
A nun with big boobs boarded a bus and sat near a dude. The dude kept looking at the nun's boobs. The nun realized this. She held her rosary and asked, "Are you looking at Jesus on the cross?" The man said "No, I'm looking at the 2 thieves beside him."
Q: Why are black peoples nostrils so big? A: Because that's what God held them by when he was painting them.
The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as. The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church. One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are."
Chuck Norris never gets dirty. The dirt is too afraid to even touch him or his clothes.
Yo mama so fat when she uses a space shuttle as a vibrator.
A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby pops right back inside. “Damn!”, says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby. “No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”. Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out. “Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father. The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!” The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee. "Sitting Bull," He asked, "Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?" "Well," says Sitting Bull, "Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two dogs fucking?"