Joke #6874

An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, “We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I’d highly recommend it.” The second man said, “What’s the name of it?” The first man thought and thought, then said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?” “Oh, you mean a rose?” said the second man. “Yes, that’s it,” said the first man. Then he called to the kitchen, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.” “Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.” “I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” “Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''

An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear. The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out. After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well...it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...". The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee...I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".

Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician. A week or so afteward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female. The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?” Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful." The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart's got a murmur. Be careful.’”

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?” The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.” The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.” The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

A 65 year old blonde has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.” A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says “not yet.” Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?” And the mother says, “When the baby cries.” And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant? A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'