Are you free on Sunday? The director asks his secretary. Yes, sir. Then, please, use this day to rest a bit, so you won’t be late at work on Monday.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
If you can't say something nice, say it in French.
Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? A: Gaelic breath.
I did so much crack, one day I broke in my own house. I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. Finally, I said, "Damn, this brother will never come home!"
Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me." Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."
Man returning with his wife from guests. Drunk man drives car better than his sober wife. But there is only one problem, how to explain that to the policeman?
I sent my young son to pick up ice cream, I handed him some money and a coupon. Later he came home with the ice cream and the coupon. When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Mom I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”
'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts!
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" came the reply