One day a man was hiking down an old dirt road when he noticed, down an embankment, a man tied naked, face down to a large fallen tree. The hiker ran down to the man, and while removing his backpack asked, "What happened to you?" The tied up man began to tell him, "I picked up a hitchhiker and a few miles down the road he held me up. He told me to pull over and took my car, my money, and all of my clothes. Then he tied me up to this tree." The hiker unzipped his fly and said, "Boy, this just isn't your day, is it?"
Two lepers playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.
Wanna know Victoria's Secret? She has a penis.
Wife says to husband, "You make love like you decorate." Husband replies, "What very slow and professional?" "NO,"she replies, "I have to finish the job myself."
Two condoms walk into a gay bar, look at each other and say "let's get shit-faced!"
Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?" "Bread" "Yes" "Hamburger" "Ok" A five years girl answered "Light", "Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?" "Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".
A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”
What is the smallest hotel in the world? A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a lickalotapus.
Whats the difference between a coffin and a condom? One you go in the other you come in!
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you? A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.