Joke #6993

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that!” To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.  The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the toilet. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school? I'll see you next period.

What's black, smells and has 17 tits? The bin bags outside the breast cancer ward.

Three flies in a trashcan get trapped overnight in a bathroom. The first fly goes to the sink, the second fly stays in the tub, and the third fly chooses the toilet. The next morning, all the exhausted flies gather back in the garbage can. The first fly says, "I'm exhausted! I almost got washed down the drain." The second fly says, "I almost got squashed by feet in the shower!" The third fly says, "The toilet was fine until it suddenly got dark. First, I heard thunder, then it started to rain, and if it weren't for that big brown log, I surely would have drowned."

Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. "Okay," she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."

What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon? "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"

Yo Mama so hairy, when she shaved her legs, your dad thought she got a new carpet.

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"