Did you hear about the midget that went into the whorehouse? He got a twat in the face.
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies. The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: What can popsicles do that men can't? A: Come in five flavors.
An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample. The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?" The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."
I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears. What am I? Ugly!
Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Q: What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller? A: A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.
How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it’s head.
How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.
Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."