A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts." 
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Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.
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If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob.
On the wall? Art.
On the floor? Matt.
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Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."
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The poop list:
-Ghost Poop: You feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.
-Clean Poop: You poop, it's in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
-Second Wave Poop: You're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, but something tells you you're not done.
-Gassy Poop: Everyone within earshot is giggling.
-Corn Poop: Self-explanatory.
-Wet Cheeks Poop: (The power dump) Comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
-Upper Class Poop: This poop doesn't smell.
-The Dangling Poop: This poop refuses to drop, and you just pray that a shake.
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Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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What's better than 10 dead babies in 1 bag?
1 dead baby in 10 bags.
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How do you make stew out of a leper?
Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.
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Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?
So you can pick them up five at a time
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Q: How do you recycle a condom?
A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.
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