"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire.
"Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.
Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line.
So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them."
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table.
Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time.
As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart.
The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down.
"Great!" he thought.
"They really think it's the dog!"
So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room.
The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"
A sexology professor announced that if any man over 50 eats 2 or 3 dates with a raw garlic clove he never fails in sex problems.
This prescription makes his dick strong and heathy.
There is only one side effect.
That diet causes he blows many farts daily!
A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"
What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon?
"Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"
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Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
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What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
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Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another.
The elephants were connected trunk to tail.
They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000.
B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
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A man and woman were on their first date.
The woman was trying to make conversation and said, "So I hear you hunt deer."
The man looked away and turned red.
"What's wrong?" asked the woman.
"I'm not used to someone calling me dear on the first date," the man said.
A woman starts dating a doctor.
Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother, the archbishop is your father."