A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!" Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!" Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"
A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. “Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?” comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, “I don’t know.” The other trucker says ” You and your brother.” Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him “It’s just a joke – tell it to the next truck you see.” Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says “Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?” The other trucker says, “I don’t know, who?” The roadway driver replies “Me and my brother.”
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
Yo mama so stupid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!” He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?" Justin said, "If I were a boy."
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” asked the doctor. “Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief. But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.” “What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously. “Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.” “Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully. “That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.” “Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened. “It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”