Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired. Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" Watson yawns and tries to play the game. LWell, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny." "No, my friend. It’s much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."
The Highlander movie was actually based on Chuck Norris's life. There can be only one.
After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny." Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"
Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock? It repeated on him.
Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches Long? A: Because if it will 12 inches then it will a foot.
I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine. But I need a line to end it.
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
"What is love, at last?" asks the dentist. And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"