Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking.
They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.
Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"
Watson yawns and tries to play the game.
LWell, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"No, my friend. It’s much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?"
Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."
About 4,000 years ago:
God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
*BOOM*
Mum shouts: "What was that?"
Me: "My coat fell."
Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!"
Me: "I was in it."
Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.
Two communists were sitting in a dive bar when one said to the other:
"Communism is the ultimate expression of generosity."
"True," the other replied.
"If you had two houses, would you give me one?"
"Absolutely."
"And if you had two cars, would you give me one?" the first communist asked.
"Without hesitation," the second communist replied.
"And chickens. If you had two chickens, would you give me one?"
The second communist thought about the question for a few moments before answering.
"No," he said.
"Why not?"
"Because I have two chickens."
Who was the fastest runner?
Adam.
He was first in the human race.
What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician?
A Labracadabrador!
Ignorance can be educated.
Crazy can be medicated.
But there is no cure for stupidity...