A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?" "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day." "But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9″. Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36″. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.” The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment, “Legs.” Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, “Pockets.” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants” Teacher: "What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: Coconut The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some “Who am I sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep." Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent" Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring" Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”
After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University. One of his letters home reads: Dear Father, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back. Dear David, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Q. What's the king of the pencil case? A. The ruler.
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear." Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!" The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear." The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
„And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?" asks mother. „Come on mom, the most important thing is that I'm healthy!"
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
Why don’t some teachers like to break wind in public? Because they’re private tooters.