Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Tom to Dick: ‘My mother made me a homosexual.’ Dick: ‘If I bought her enough wool would she make me one as well?’
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead? Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty steamy. All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand. She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom. "Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!" "I have two words for you -- LET GO!"
Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.
An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day. The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground." The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor." The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
I went into the bar the other day & the bartender said: "What'ya have?" I said: "Suprise me." He did, He showed me a naked picture of my wife. I said: "Hey, who said you could mess around with my wife?" "Everyone did" he replied..."
Hey, you wanna do a 68? You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.
Q: Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?" A: After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.
A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sex?” “1956,” was his reply. “No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!” “I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."