What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag? Speed bumps.
What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats.
Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo? At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"
Q: Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank? A: Drinking on the job.
"Knock Knock?" "Who's there?" "Europe." "Europe who?" "No you're a poo."
Man comes home from work to find his boyfriend whacking off into a condom. Man says, "WTF?" Boyfriend says, "I am making you a sack lunch!"
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks. The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope." As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."
The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes on 5th November 1605.