Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?
Beautician: Maybe.
Does he still drink a lot?
This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink."
There's an old drunk sitting next to her.
Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants."
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
Two women are digging in the garden.
One pulls out a foot-long carrot.
She says, "This one reminds me of my husband."
The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"
"No that dirty."
Happy Father's Day to the top three most likely candidates.
Andrew went to Medical Insurance to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the bench asked for his driving license to verify his age, but he had left his wallet home.
He said to her that he had to go home and return later.
The woman said: "Unbuckle your shirt."
And so he did, revealing his curly, gray hair of his chest.
"These gray hair is quite a nice proof for me," she said and continued with his application form.
When Andrew went home, he said to his wife what had happened.
"You should have taken your pants off," she said, "Maybe you would have taken disability pension too!"
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
“I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.”
The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.”
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.”
She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend.
Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad.
We must have come close to her cubs.
Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.
One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took.
I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
Q: Why did this woman cross the road?
A: Because I was not fast enough to hit her.
Alex an Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?"
The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."