The best lawyer jokes

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place". But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here." The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.". The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!". St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".
Vote: has 80.74 % from 63 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, death, heaven, lawyer
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Vote: has 80.42 % from 81 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: god, lawyer, money, priest, work
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, lawyer
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
Vote: has 79.46 % from 427 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer, life, mexican, money, racist
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Vote: has 79.27 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
Vote: has 78.87 % from 63 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, lawyer
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. “So what did you think?” he asks. “Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.” Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. “So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?” The second guy replies, “You were right.”
Vote: has 78.47 % from 50 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer, time, wife
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Vote: has 78.00 % from 162 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, lawyer
A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”. The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”. “Why, are you an attorney?” “No, I’m an asshole.”
Vote: has 77.53 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

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Chuck Norris once went to court for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, lawyer