The best marriage jokes

Wife: "I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad." Wife: "No, you are not."
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has 67.90 % from 77 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, men, wife
A wife to her husband: "Honey, what are you doing?" "I'm reading our marriage certificate." "What for?" "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
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has 67.88 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: marriage
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
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has 67.78 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, marriage, wife
A man and wife were having argument about who should make the pot of tea in the morning. The wife told him that he should do it because he gets up first. The husband said that she was in charge of the cooking in the house, making it her job. The wife said that even the bible says that the man should do it. The husband told her to show him and if it did he would make it. She fetched the bible and opened up the new testament, showing him at the top of several pages that said "Hebrews".
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has 67.78 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: bible, communication, marriage, work
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
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has 67.73 % from 1217 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, money, wife, work
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store. "Give me a couple of steaks," he says. "We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher. "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"
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has 67.69 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: communication, food, hunting, marriage, mean
I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.
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has 67.64 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: marriage, sex
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
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has 67.47 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: dad, marriage
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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has 66.72 % from 81 votes. More jokes about: dirty, husband, marriage, wife
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
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has 66.41 % from 87 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, lawyer, marriage, time
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