The best marriage jokes

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commentator.
Vote:
has 67.88 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!" "Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?" "She's 19." "That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!" "Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."
Vote:
has 67.69 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, doctor, marriage, old people
One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer. His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted". He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough." His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?" He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
Vote:
has 67.69 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: beer, communication, friendship, marriage, mean
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Vote:
has 67.60 % from 1212 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, money, wife, work
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom. The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
Vote:
has 66.81 % from 95 votes. More jokes about: couple, husband, marriage, sex
I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.
Vote:
has 66.60 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: marriage, sex
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Vote:
has 66.34 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: dad, marriage
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
Vote:
has 66.18 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, lawyer, marriage, time
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Vote:
has 66.10 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, marriage, wife
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"
Vote:
has 65.92 % from 1194 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, wife
<<<24252627
More jokes →
Page 24 of 59.