The best marriage jokes

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"
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has 65.92 % from 1194 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, wife
Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.
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has 65.48 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, marriage, time
The woman comes with her husband to the psychiatrist and tells the psychiatrist: "Please, do something with my man, because he thinks of himself that he is a horse." The psychiatrist says: "Oh, it will be a long and expensive therapy." The woman: "Ok, don´t worry, we can enough money because my husband has already won three times the horse racings."
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has 65.48 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: doctor, horse, marriage, money
There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen. The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom. The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you." But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
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has 65.41 % from 81 votes. More jokes about: marriage, sex
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
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has 65.25 % from 74 votes. More jokes about: dirty, marriage, masturbation, technology, work
Wife: "I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad." Wife: "No, you are not."
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has 65.24 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, men, wife
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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has 65.19 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, men
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid." The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'" Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
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has 64.92 % from 395 votes. More jokes about: couple, holiday, marriage, nurse, phone
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.
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has 64.88 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.” The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”
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has 64.76 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage, old people
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