The best old people jokes

"Hi! My name is Gertrude," said the lady next to him on the plane. "It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary eyed." After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. "You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me.. what do you think about my Grandson!"
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has 61.28 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: old people
A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.” Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?” “You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.” Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?” “127. ” “127? And what will you do in Europe?” He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.” Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?” “He is … Oh, 150.” And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?” “Bullshit, you know his parents are pressing him!”
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has 61.28 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: old people
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.
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has 60.85 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: mother in law, old people
Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
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has 60.81 % from 108 votes. More jokes about: dirty, nurse, old people, viagra
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they’re cramming for their final exam.”
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has 60.66 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: bible, old people
How do you get four old ladies to shout "F*ck"? Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
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has 60.56 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: age, game, old people
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant? A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
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has 60.56 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: accountant, money, old people, work
A little old man who's hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can't hear very well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor examines the man and then says, "Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample." The old man turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife replies, "He said he wants your underwear."
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has 60.28 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: dirty, disgusting, old people
An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide. The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "You call that a lining?"
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has 60.15 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: age, old people, work
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, "Whats that?" She says: "Well, it's a beaver, Johnny." The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says: "Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."
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has 59.90 % from 187 votes. More jokes about: animal, little Johnny, old people
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