Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?” Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.” “No kidding! Like a brand new baby?” “Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Q: Who is the saddest grandma in the world? A: Grandma of a vegan.
One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church. The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.'' So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart. The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis. The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
A family doctor is seeing an 80 year old patient for the first time. She tells him, “Since this is your first time here, I’d like to get a little history on you. Who’s been your regular doctor up till now?” The man says, “I don’t remember saying I’ve ever been to the doctor.” The doctor is astonished. “What? You’ve never been to a doctor?” The man says, “Nope. Never needed one before.” “That’s remarkable,” she says. “But there must be a family doctor somewhere. What about your father when he was alive. Who was the family doctor?” “I don’t remember saying my father had passed away.” “Oh, I’m sorry! You’re father’s still alive? He must be at least a hundred.” “Yep. ‘Bout that. And he’s never been to the doctor either.” She says, “Well that’s one impressive bloodline you have there. What an amazing family. But there’s got to be a doctor in the history somewhere. What about your grandfather when he was alive? Who was the family doctor?” “I don’t remember saying my grandfather had passed away.” “Oh come on now, you must be kidding! Your grandfather is still alive? He’d have to be at least 120!” “Yep, ‘Bout that. And he’s never been to the doctor either. But I think he’s gonna have to go soon. He’s getting married next week.” “What?" she says. "Oh now surely you’re joking. Getting married? Imagine being 120 years old and wanting to get married!” The old man looks at her and says, “I don’t remember saying he WANTED to get married."
How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been.
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” “Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards. “We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"