The best old people jokes

Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal? Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"
Vote: has 69.39 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, little Johnny, mean, old people, teacher
My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She'd say "Knock knock." We'd say "Who's there?". Then she'd say "I can't remember" and start to cry.
Vote: has 69.19 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: old people
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Vote: has 68.80 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: hospital, medical, memory, old people, wife
There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!" The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said, "You're going out as that?" "Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
Vote: has 68.80 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: couple, disgusting, Halloween, old people
Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, “You know, I’m 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other guy says, “Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.” “Really,” says the first guy. “Yep,” says the second one. “No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”
Vote: has 68.45 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: old people
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Vote: has 67.88 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, family, fart, nurse, old people
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!" "Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?" "She's 19." "That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!" "Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."
Vote: has 67.88 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, death, doctor, marriage, old people
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.
Vote: has 66.75 % from 53 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, dirty, old people, sport
A Pontiac takes examinations for the driver’s licence for the fourth year in a row. The examiner asks him "So, you’re running on the street. You have a mountain on your right and there’s a cliff on your left. There are two women in your way; the one young and the other an old woman. Which one are you going to hit?" "Of course the old woman!" The examinet frustrated "I told you last year! You hit the brakes!"
Vote: has 66.71 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, car, life, old people, women
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Vote: has 66.60 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, math, old people