The best time jokes

My girlfriend is like February 30th, she doesn't exist.
Vote: has 78.59 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: insulting, relationship, time
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, "I have a new obstetrician."
Vote: has 78.59 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: customer service, doctor, phone, time
A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. "From what I hear about your aim," said the Pastor, "It's a sin for you to hunt anytime."
Vote: has 78.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, hunting, priest, religious, time
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Vote: has 78.49 % from 239 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, time
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
Vote: has 78.15 % from 31 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, sport, time
Vaginas are like weather, when it's wet, it's time to go inside.
Vote: has 78.14 % from 1849 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, time, weather
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible". The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Vote: has 78.11 % from 395 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, dirty, time
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
Vote: has 78.10 % from 83 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, office, time
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" Laughter and applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party. He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" The wife went red with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"
Vote: has 78.03 % from 37 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life, management, memory, time, women
An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."
Vote: has 78.00 % from 66 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: atheist, god, time