The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What is it? Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but doesn’t use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Bush is one. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi’s. What is it? The answer is: "A Last Name..." You didn’t think I’d tell you a dirty joke, did you?
After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been f*cking her for the past 20 years with a dildo! she is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildo". The husband replies "explain the kids?!"
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" Laughter and applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party. He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" The wife went red with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"
An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see." Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."
Chuck norris was born on May 6 1945. De Nazi surrenderd on May 7 1945.
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years. Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower..." "A rose?" asked Red. "Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
A man was strolling along a beach in California. On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle. He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork. Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free. For that, I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship. Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?" "Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill. Can you think of something that is more practical?" The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?" The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"