A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”
The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
A woman went to her doctor's office.
She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No! Tell me about it.
It smells of $50 dollar bills.
A woman is driving for 1st time on the highway.
Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."
She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Agnes married and had 13 children.
When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together.
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a piss.
Well, the man cant help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, whats your secret?"
Bubba says"well, every night before i go to get in bed with a woman i whack my dick on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night.
So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says"bubba, is that you?"
While talking to girl:
"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
"No, what?"
"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."
Vote:
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety.
She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don’t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin’ out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"