An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true. A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board. Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face. She told her mum, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today." Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut..." With a secret smile mum asked, "Was it really small?" Sally replied, "No... really salty!"
How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!" So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"
2 cowboys talking about s*x. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !" "I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"