Best jokes ever

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
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has 85.23 % from 9392 votes. More jokes about: sex
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
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has 85.23 % from 449 votes. More jokes about: husband, military
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic." Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the fucking difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
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has 85.22 % from 6892 votes. More jokes about: school
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
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has 85.22 % from 252 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
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has 85.22 % from 809 votes. More jokes about: baby, birthday, husband, marriage, wife
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"
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has 85.20 % from 4035 votes. More jokes about: baby, dad, dog, sex
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
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has 85.20 % from 1383 votes. More jokes about: dirty
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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has 85.20 % from 205 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
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has 85.19 % from 485 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wife
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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has 85.18 % from 654 votes. More jokes about: cop, wife
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