There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left.
The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.
The first man said:
"Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."
That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"
That is to horrific.
He asked the third man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator..."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Vote:
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Cannibals capture three men.
The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.
Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
Vote:
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman.
"But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend.
It took him 2 hours and he alway’s made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour.
Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride.
The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast."
No problem the man thinks.
They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright.
Sure enough, the light changes and they're off!
Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept:
"Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What’s so weird about that?" asks the other cops.
The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!"
Vote:
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate.
As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
“It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his
father.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.
“Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”