Best jokes ever

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."
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has 83.32 % from 243 votes. More jokes about: marriage, work
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk" Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
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has 83.32 % from 270 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, drunk
A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad. His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000." He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes". "Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question." He did and came back and said, "She said yes." And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing." He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!" And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"
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has 83.31 % from 818 votes. More jokes about: dirty
"Oh, my love! My darling! If you give me one more kiss, I’ll be forever yours!" "Sh*t... thanks for the warning."
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has 83.31 % from 195 votes. More jokes about: love, women
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
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has 83.29 % from 174 votes. More jokes about: women
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?” “No, I don’t,” I said. He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?” “No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.” He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”
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has 83.29 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: life
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?” The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?” The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.” So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer. The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.” “And how about the Martian woman?” The farmer replied, “That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!”
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has 83.27 % from 296 votes. More jokes about: couple, dirty, friendship, sex, wife
A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!" Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."
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has 83.24 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: life
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
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has 83.24 % from 201 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, life, music
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
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has 83.23 % from 282 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
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