"Dad, your Father's Day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding."
"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" "My name is Paul."
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
One evening a old man is traveling at 70mph in a 30mh zone a little further down the road. A police car pulls him over and tells him "I've been following you for 5 minutes and you kept accelerating." The police officer says to the speeder "I finish my shift in 2 minutes. If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before I will let you go as it will save me any paper work." The speeder replies "My wife ran away with a police officer 3 years ago, I thought you were bringing her back." The police officer returns to his patrol car and drives a way.
A teacher comes to the home of one naughty kid: "Is your mom at home?" "Nope, she's not here", says the naughty kid, quite scared. "And your father?" "No, he has hidden away as well..."
Zeke: Why were the swimming elephants thrown out of the Olympics? Kyle: I haven't a clue. Zeke: Because they couldn't keep their trunks up!
Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway? A: Because its underground.
Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you cant move.