Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine." Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head." Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."
When Chuck Norris enters into a courtroom, the judge stands up.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father… Five minutes later: "Da-ad…" "What?" "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…" "WHAT?" "I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!" Five minutes later: "Daaad…" "WHAT?!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Chuck Norris protects his body guards.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem.