A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention." Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years? Someone lost a quarter.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A: They are both meat substitutes.
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
Chuck Norris can make scissors beat rock.
Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."
When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.