Best jokes ever

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
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More jokes about: age, men, ugly
Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention." Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"
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More jokes about: school, teacher
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years? Someone lost a quarter.
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More jokes about: racist
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A: They are both meat substitutes.
Vote: has 80.95 % from 164 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, masturbation
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
Vote: has 80.94 % from 529 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, lawyer
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, technology
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
Vote: has 80.94 % from 57 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
Chuck Norris can make scissors beat rock.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris
Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."
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More jokes about: alcohol
When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.
Vote: has 80.94 % from 176 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, fitness, gym