Best jokes ever

You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass. You know what that means? You Matter.
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More jokes about: life
Q: How do you know if a Chinese tried to rob your house? A: You get home and your maths homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later He is still trying to back out of your driveway.
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More jokes about: computer, math, racist
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
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More jokes about: dirty
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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More jokes about: cop, death, math
A man is working a a d*ldo store, when a brunette walks in. She asks him how much for the black d*ldo? He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white d*ldo? He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn't buy anything. A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a d*ldo? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it. At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no d*ldos but i sold your thermos for $250.
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More jokes about: dirty
A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
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More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beer, drunk, wife
*WINS AN OSCAR* Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.
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More jokes about: life
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to bug him. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy." "Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that." Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!" "You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!" The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really big him, you just watch." The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!" "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me."
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More jokes about: alcohol, bar
When batman is in trouble, he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris threw rocks into the ocean and named them Hawaii
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris