Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
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Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
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Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
A: Everywhere!
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.
The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.
“More!” he cries again.
They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.
They get into a jeep and drive off.
Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.
They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder.
Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.
They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!"
So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's about as far as I remember.
Chuck Norris shot a man to death with an unloaded nerf gun.
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When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa... peacefully... sleeping... unlike the passengers in his car.
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Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
Answer: After five years, your job still sucks.