The best alcohol jokes

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
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has 56.77 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, cop, death, drunk
Two drunks are sitting side by side in a bar. One of the drunks goes to the bathroom but neglects to button up his fly when he’s finished. He staggers back to the bar, sits on a bar stool, and his penis flops out on the bartop. The other drunk yells, ‘Snake!’ and hits the penis with a bottle. The first drunk shouts, ‘Hit it again! It just bit me!’
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has 56.77 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Q: What’s the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
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has 56.77 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
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has 55.71 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, dog
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish." The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer". *POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves. His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
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has 55.71 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer, fish, genie
Q:What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A:"Please, no stories!"
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has 55.71 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife. After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?" "Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunk, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"
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has 55.51 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, sex, wife
I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke !
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has 55.51 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, drug, women
Don't type "Chuck Norris" on Monster Milktruck, your milk will turn into beer.
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has 54.97 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer, Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse... And his favorite drink is punch...
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has 54.66 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, Chuck Norris, life
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