The best alcohol jokes

Q:What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A:"Please, no stories!"
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has 55.71 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding. The irate driver says, "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!" The driver's wife says, "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!" The driver yells at his wife, "shut up, old lady." The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law. The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt. The wife states, "You never wear your seatbelt." Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up". Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife, "Does he always talk to you that way?" "ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK," the wife states.
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has 55.57 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, cop, driving, travel, wife
Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol. After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again. He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
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has 55.34 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, wife
It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town. What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright?
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has 55.34 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, game, life
A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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has 54.97 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, money
Q: What’s the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
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has 54.97 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".
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has 54.97 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beer, money, time
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! "Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!" The bartender does nothing. So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again!" The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump?" "I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float." So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and... SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk! The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman... you can be a real jerk when youre drunk."
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has 54.66 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer, celebrity
My wife asked if I would give it to her "doggy style." So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes.
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has 54.59 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. Coincidence?
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has 54.59 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, wine
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