There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him. The guy asks, "What's in the box?" The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad." The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?" The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later. "That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me." The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door. "Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands. "South American Blow Job Toad." "So?" asks the wife. "So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day." The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend." The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?" The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again." The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?" The guy says, "BAD DOG!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another. The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?" The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."
This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt." Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt. So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen." The guy asks" Eileen who?
A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!" The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."
It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows: "Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in. A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows." "I heard enough. I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"
These two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the streets licking its own nuts. First guy says "Man, sure wish I could do that." Second says "I dunno, I think I'd pet him first."
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?" The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good." The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer." The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?" "If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies. So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer. As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy shit, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog." The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it." The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
How do you caculate the population of Russia? You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.