The best cat jokes

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks. "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Vote: has 66.71 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, cat, doctor, dog, money
Cats are allergic to Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 64.28 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, cat, Chuck Norris
One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him. “Daddy, the cat died today!” “Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.” “But why are his arms and legs up in the air?” “Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him. “Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!” “What are you talking about?” “I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”
Vote: has 64.23 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cat, dad, death, kids
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
Vote: has 64.23 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bar, cat, nerd
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To never tell a human that The world is really ruled by cats!
Vote: has 64.05 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cat, food, kitty, life, poems
Chuck Norris isn't a cat person but if he was, he would own 3 lions, a snow leopard, and cougar.
Vote: has 63.17 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, cat, Chuck Norris
A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow and the pig. The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon." Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"
Vote: has 62.37 % from 92 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, cat, food
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."
Vote: has 62.19 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cat, death, fish, funeral, little Johnny
Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Yours sincerely,  The CAT
Vote: has 60.15 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, cat, weather
Q: Why did the silly kid try to feed pennies to the cat? A: Because his mother told him to put money in the kitty.
Vote: has 56.86 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cat, kids, kitty, money