The best catholic jokes

An Atheist dies in a car crash and wakes up in a big dark room with a sign above a single door: "Welcome to Hell!" "Shit! So the Shavelings were right after all!" the Atheist thinks, opens the door – and is stunned by the view! A marvelous beach! Crystal blue water, white sand, palm trees, the sun is shining and all around there are people laughing, having fun and listening to happy music or enjoying excellent food and drinks.rnLucifer, dressed in a Hawaiian Shirt, greets the Atheist, hands him a fantastic- looking cocktail and says cheerfully: "Hey! Welcome to Hell. Have a drink, have a snack. Take a look around and enjoy yourself! See you later!" Totally speechless at first, the Atheist finally starts to take a look around, is greeted everywhere, listens to people´s stories about their mortal lives and takes a stroll down the beach. After a few minutes into the walk, he starts hearing cries of pain, wailing, shouts, and screams and decides to follow that noises. Finally, the Atheist arrives at the rim of a big, black hole, takes a look down and is scared to the bone! Down there, the place is all fire, sulfur, brimstone! Rivers of lava, gnarled trees, and among it all the lost souls, being tormented forever by demons and devils. "Whoa! Take it easy!" Lucifer jumps right in to prevent the Atheist from falling into that pit and he stumbles backward, drops into the sand and stammers: "Wha... what the HELL is that place?" Lucifer looks down, shrugs and says: "Oh, that´s the Catholic´s department. They want it that way."
Vote: has 60.69 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: atheist, car, catholic, death, mean
What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
Vote: has 58.58 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, catholic, religious, time
Yo momma's so old her first job was as Cain and Abel' babysitter.
Vote: has 56.86 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: catholic, kids, work, Yo mama
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team," "That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team." "That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
Vote: has 54.04 % from 129 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: catholic, family, marriage, sport, wife
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Vote: has 53.58 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bible, catholic, Chuck Norris
A man in a balaclava with a gun asked, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?" "Neither, I'm a Jew." "But are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?"
Vote: has 46.02 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: catholic, jewish, religious
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
Vote: has 43.93 % from 75 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: catholic, dirty, priest, teen
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
Vote: has 35.87 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, atheist, bar, catholic, priest