A man in a balaclava with a gun asked, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
"Neither, I'm a Jew."
"But are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?"
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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"
Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face.
Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea.
Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish."
Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fucking hell Abdul, we've got one at last!"
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Vote:
An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist.
They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Every now and then, the rabbi's grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, "I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What's your secret?"
The rabbi replied: "Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G‑d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?"
What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
Vote:
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
Q: Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don't believe in higher powers.
Q: Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off.