One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
One day Little Timmy caught his mom and dad having sex.
Little Timmy asks his dad "Can I join you?"
His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Timmy replies "No."
"Then no." Dad replies.
Later on he catches his dad looking at porn.
Timmy asks "Can I look with you Daddy?"
His dad asks again "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No."
"Then no."
Later that night Little Timmy is eating cookies.
His dad walks into the kitchen and asks "Can I have a cookie?"
Timmy asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
His dad replies "Yes."
"Then go fuck yourself these cookies are mine!"
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Vote:
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."