The best doctor jokes

Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?" Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."
Vote:
has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: doctor, god, life
Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"
Vote:
has 76.19 % from 81 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, doctor, game, life
Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness." Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."
Vote:
has 76.06 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: doctor, money
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
Vote:
has 76.01 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health, kids
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, "I have a new obstetrician."
Vote:
has 75.97 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: customer service, doctor, phone, time
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Vote:
has 75.90 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: doctor, food, life
Chuck Norris was born feet first. It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.
Vote:
has 75.75 % from 137 votes. More jokes about: birthday, Chuck Norris, death, doctor
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"
Vote:
has 75.65 % from 372 votes. More jokes about: age, dad, doctor, jewish, life
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
Vote:
has 75.58 % from 103 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, women
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
Vote:
has 75.58 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health