The best doctor jokes

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
Vote: has 73.90 % from 96 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, health, women
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”. Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.
Vote: has 73.68 % from 45 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, work
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks. "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Vote: has 73.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, cat, doctor, dog, money
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? A: Sir, we were able to save her!
Vote: has 73.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, life, mother in law
In the courtroom where I worked as a court reporter, a dentist was called as a witness. He took the oath a few feet from my desk, and I noticed his upraised arm was trembling, apparently from nervousness. After he finished, I couldn't resist saying softly, "Sit down, Doctor. This won't hurt a bit."
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dentist, doctor, work
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
Vote: has 73.48 % from 54 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
Vote: has 73.44 % from 30 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, doctor, mother in law
Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?" Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."
Vote: has 73.22 % from 58 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor
Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." But is was still not good! So they tried: "Minds and Behinds" "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons" "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" None worked. Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED!
Vote: has 73.12 % from 80 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: disgusting, doctor, work
Chuck Norris doesn't go to therapy, therapy goes to Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 72.71 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, doctor


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