The best doctor jokes

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
Vote: has 74.15 % from 97 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, health, women
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
Vote: has 73.93 % from 55 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”. Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.
Vote: has 73.68 % from 45 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, work
Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?" Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."
Vote: has 73.64 % from 59 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself. The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..." The man shook his head. "Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?" The man shook his head again angrily. "Sorry... a worm?" The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces. "Go to hell, you idiot! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"
Vote: has 73.58 % from 77 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, computer, doctor, IT, programmer
A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter." Responses: American: "Keep trying!" Briton: "Change Doctor!" Aussie: "Follow a special diet." Indian: "Practice yoga!" Pinoy: "Let me try!"
Vote: has 73.56 % from 40 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: couple, doctor, food, kids
Christian Doctor: "Your recovery was a miracle!" Christian Patient: "Thank God! Now I don't have to pay you."
Vote: has 73.56 % from 40 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: christian, customer service, doctor, money
Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Vote: has 73.56 % from 40 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, family, fat, sport
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear." "That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office. "Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made." "What’s wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"
Vote: has 73.53 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, office, women
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
Vote: has 73.48 % from 35 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, doctor, money, sex, time


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