The best family jokes

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"
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has 82.65 % from 174 votes. More jokes about: family, holiday, money, mother in law
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
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has 82.30 % from 235 votes. More jokes about: bible, family, food, parrot
So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance." Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied.
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has 82.20 % from 110 votes. More jokes about: family, mean, mother in law, wedding
Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"? A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
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has 82.05 % from 200 votes. More jokes about: family, life, mean, mother in law
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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has 81.98 % from 135 votes. More jokes about: family, old people
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
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has 81.76 % from 234 votes. More jokes about: age, family, food, kids
Police: Where do u live? Me: With my parents. Police: Where does ur parents live? Me: With me. Police: Where do u all live? Me: Together. Police: Where is ur house? Me: Next to my neighbors house. Police: Where is your neighbors house? Me: If i tell you u wont believe me. Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house...
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has 81.73 % from 246 votes. More jokes about: cop, family, life
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
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has 81.64 % from 214 votes. More jokes about: dad, family, life
Daddy, how was I born? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
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has 81.33 % from 459 votes. More jokes about: family, geek, IT, kids
Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick, "What school?"
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has 81.26 % from 117 votes. More jokes about: black humor, family, school
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