It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Vote:
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"
A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.
"Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive.
It could cost him as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem.
This would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers,
"I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do."
The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it’s not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"
Vote:
Q: Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
A: All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Q: What do two rednecks say after breaking up?
A: Lets just be cousins.
Vote:
Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"?
A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
Vote:
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.
And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
A family was having some people to dinner.
At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"