The best family jokes

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" ‘Well honey...' said the slightly prudish parent, "An Angel brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the angel brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the angel brought them too!" said the parent. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
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More jokes about: family, kids, teacher
You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate. So now you're leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives: moving back in with your parents.
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More jokes about: family, graduation, life, school
Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.
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More jokes about: family, graduation, mean, money, time
Get bad marks, relatives will insult you. Get good marks, friends will insult you.
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More jokes about: family, friendship, insulting, school
Little lad is sitting between his Mum and Dad on the sofa and they are playing a game about what sounds animals say. His Mum says "What does a duck say Tommy?" He says"Quack quack Mummy." His Mum says "Very good Tommy,that's right." She says "What does a dog say?" He says "Woof woof Mummy." She says "Very good." She says "What does a cat say?" He says "Meow meow Mummy." She says "Yes that's right." Tommy says "Let Daddy have a go." His dad says "Ok Tommy,what does a cow say?" The little lad looks confused and his Dad says "Come on Tommy you know what a cow says." Tommy says "Yes I do but do you mean a cow that eats grass and gives us our milk, or the one you where talking to Uncle John about, that said you could'nt go to the Stag show with him?"
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More jokes about: animal, family, game, insulting
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What... You're coming empty handed?"
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More jokes about: family, jewish, mean
"Yes brother," says Paddy. "Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick. "It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy. A month later Paddy calls Mick. "Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy. "That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick. "I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy. "And what did you call the boy?" "I called the boy De nephew."
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More jokes about: baby, business, family, kids
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
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More jokes about: family, nerd
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
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More jokes about: family, life, work
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Vote: has 71.32 % from 212 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, family, kids, political