The best family jokes

When Chuck Norris was 8 years old he got into a pillow fight with his older brother, that's why he's now an only child.
Vote: has 77.74 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, Chuck Norris, family
Me: "I only smoke weed because of Cancer." Mom: "You don't have Cancer!" Me: "So it's working..."
Vote: has 77.51 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, health, weed
A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her. He called his mother to share his good news with her. He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought three women, instead of just one. He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law. She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead." "How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired. She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand her."
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, life, mother in law, wedding, women
Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room. She showed it to her husband when he got home. He handed it back to her without a word. She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?" "Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, dirty, family, sex
Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman? A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dirty, family, sex, women
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..." "I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..." "I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Vote: has 77.20 % from 47 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, family, kids, technology
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Vote: has 76.91 % from 308 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, sex
Little lad is sitting between his Mum and Dad on the sofa and they are playing a game about what sounds animals say. His Mum says "What does a duck say Tommy?" He says"Quack quack Mummy." His Mum says "Very good Tommy,that's right." She says "What does a dog say?" He says "Woof woof Mummy." She says "Very good." She says "What does a cat say?" He says "Meow meow Mummy." She says "Yes that's right." Tommy says "Let Daddy have a go." His dad says "Ok Tommy,what does a cow say?" The little lad looks confused and his Dad says "Come on Tommy you know what a cow says." Tommy says "Yes I do but do you mean a cow that eats grass and gives us our milk, or the one you where talking to Uncle John about, that said you could'nt go to the Stag show with him?"
Vote: has 76.32 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, family, game, insulting
Q: What's worse than ants in your pants? A: Uncle.
Vote: has 76.32 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dirty, family, sex
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What... You're coming empty handed?"
Vote: has 76.32 % from 61 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, jewish, mean