An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."
Vote:
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
Vote:
There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.
Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line.
So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them."
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table.
Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time.
As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart.
The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down.
"Great!" he thought.
"They really think it's the dog!"
So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room.
The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"
A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, “I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?”
The girl thought and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”
Q: Why do men fart louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.
Little Johnny's father farted.
The son asked his father: "What was that?"
His father said: "My sweet that is 'north wind'"
When he went to school the teacher asked the class: "Who knows the direction of the north wind?
Little Johnny shouted: "My daddy's ass!"
Vote:
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"
Q: Why there are many bubbles on the pool's water?
A: Swimmers are farting.
Vote:
Yo mama is so fat when she farts its noise is just a nightingale.