Yo mama so old she used a walker when Jesus was born.
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.”
The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”
About 4,000 years ago:
God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Yo' Mama is so poor, when she picks a booger, she yells, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!"
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
In the beginning, God created Earth and then rested.
After that, He creaed man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man got ever rested.
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
Your mama is so black when God saw her he said "Oh man I burnt one again."
Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."
Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny.
The teacher asked Sally who our Lord and savior was.
Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a pin and she screamed "Jesus Christ!"
And fell back to sleep.
A little while later the teacher asked Sally who created our world.
Johnny poked her in the butt again and Sally screamed "oh my god!"
And fell back to sleep.
Later the teacher asked Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child.
Johnny poked her in the butt and Sally screamed "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"
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