The best god jokes

God gave man his penis and his brain but blood only enough to work one another at a time.
Vote: has 64.23 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: god, men, work
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that." The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us." "Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. "Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny. "Yes," says the priest." Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. "Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!"
Vote: has 64.22 % from 119 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: god, little Johnny, priest
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn’t you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." The lawyer looked down to his left side and let out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!… MY ROLEX!"
Vote: has 63.75 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: car, cop, god, lawyer, phone
Yo mama is so old that God doesn't remember her.
Vote: has 63.75 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, god, memory, Yo mama
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
Vote: has 63.26 % from 41 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, food, god, life
Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans. One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven. Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost. A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?". "Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya. First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!". "Thank God!" Joe shouts... "What is the bad news?!". "You're pitching tomorrow."
Vote: has 62.88 % from 34 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: game, god, heaven, sport
Your mama is so black when God saw her he said "Oh man I burnt one again."
Vote: has 62.48 % from 122 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: god, Yo mama
"Sorry sir, are these plastic flowers?" "As natural!" "What? They are natural?" "No, plastic!" "But, for Christ Sake, sir! Are they natural or plastic?" "Natural plastic!"
Vote: has 62.22 % from 20 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: god, women
"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best" Sony 16:9
Vote: has 62.22 % from 20 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: bible, god, technology
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are."
Vote: has 62.14 % from 30 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, god, heaven, women


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