The best holiday jokes

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. "OK, honey," he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom." The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain. The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" "That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob."
Vote: has 73.56 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: couple, disgusting, doctor, holiday, husband
Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bird, disgusting, holiday, winter
Jill: "How did you find the weather on your vacation?" Bill: "I just went outside and there it was!"
Vote: has 72.63 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: holiday, stupid, weather
A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel. He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled" The manager looks at him and replies, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"
Vote: has 72.56 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, holiday, management, religious
Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak.
Vote: has 71.97 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: holiday, women
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?" The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
Vote: has 70.01 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, holiday, men, money, wife
How do you know when you honeymoon is over? When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Vote: has 69.37 % from 180 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: holiday, marriage
What is the perfect Father's Day gift? Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.
Vote: has 67.81 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, Fathers day, holiday
Q: Why dont blacks celebrate Thanksgiving? A: Because KFC isn't open on holidays.
Vote: has 67.20 % from 1017 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black people, holiday, Thanksgiving
One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."
Vote: has 66.96 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, fish, holiday, sex, wife