The best holiday jokes

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"
Vote: has 80.34 % from 93 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, holiday, money, mother in law
My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!
Vote: has 78.77 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, holiday, relationship
Jill: "How did you find the weather on your vacation?" Bill: "I just went outside and there it was!"
Vote: has 71.25 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: holiday, stupid, weather
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. "Don't lie to me," he said. "I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
Vote: has 71.25 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: customer service, geography, holiday, phone, stupid
When Superman wants vacation time it has to be approved by Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 70.90 % from 53 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: celebrity, Chuck Norris, holiday
A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. "OK, honey," he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom." The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain. The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" "That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob."
Vote: has 68.66 % from 45 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: couple, disgusting, doctor, holiday, husband
Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak.
Vote: has 68.66 % from 45 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: holiday, women
How do you know when you honeymoon is over? When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Vote: has 68.29 % from 184 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: holiday, marriage
One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."
Vote: has 68.01 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, fish, holiday, sex, wife
Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
Vote: has 67.88 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, holiday, Thanksgiving