The best holiday jokes

How do you know when you honeymoon is over? When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
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has 68.45 % from 185 votes. More jokes about: holiday, marriage
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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has 68.01 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: baby, family, holiday, lawyer, marriage
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: holiday, travel
One of the two adult female friends got married and went on honeymoon to Hawaii. On return curious other girl asked her friend, “What sightseeing places did you go in Hawaii and what did you see?” The honeymoon girl explained, “For seven days, I saw only the fan on the ceiling of the room and occasionally when turned around, I saw the bed sheet too.”
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: dirty, holiday, travel
Q: What's a terrorist's favorite day in November? A: Bomb fire night.
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: holiday, terrorist, time
Q: Why dont blacks celebrate Thanksgiving? A: Because KFC isn't open on holidays.
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has 65.56 % from 1094 votes. More jokes about: black people, holiday, Thanksgiving
There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally, the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation." Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: customer service, holiday, time
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid." The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'" Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
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has 64.92 % from 395 votes. More jokes about: couple, holiday, marriage, nurse, phone
What is the perfect Father's Day gift? Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.
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has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: family, Fathers day, holiday
A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel. He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled" The manager looks at him and replies, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"
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has 62.91 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: dirty, holiday, management, religious
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